Dear So and So…

I am feeling the urge to write some letters again! You can read more at 3 Bedroom Bungalow if you like!

Dear Dishwasher,

You are shit. What is the point of you if I have to wash the dishes after I take them out of your stupid belly? You stupid piece of crap.

Sulkingly,

Laura

***************************************************

Dear Nando’s,

Mmmmmmmmmm.

That is all.

Laura.

**************************************************

Dear Winter,

Bugger off, I’m cold.

Shiveringly,

Laura

***************************************************

Dear Wardrobe,

I am extremely dissatisfied with the selection of outfits which you proffer each morning. Do I want to look like a dull mumsy mousy dullard? No. Do I want to look like a spangly christmas tree? No. Can I wear those summer dresses yet? No. Do I want to wear that crappy top with holes in? No. Pyjamas for work? Much as I would love to…. No.

Who the hell filled you with these crappy clothes? What were they thinking???

Unstylishly,

Laura

**************************************************

Dear Winter,

Still here? Don’t you know when you’re not wanted? No one likes you. Go away.

Teeth Chatteringly,

Laura

***************************************************

Dear Cub,

I adore you, I really do. I love your cute little face and the way you goo and gah, and your sloppy baby snogs and head cuddles. Now please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, will you sleep through the night?

Lots of love,

Mummy

Dear So and So...

Advertisements

Dear So and So…

Over at 3 Bedroom Bungalow, Kat has a linky all the Dear So and So posts, where lots of bloggers take the opportunity to get things off their chests. Here’s my first go!

******************************

Dear Fire Service,

Did you really need to park outside my house the other night, forcing me to try and get into my drive at a really weird angle? Was there even a fire? I didn’t see any smoke. I didn’t even see any firemen. I am convinced you were just parked there to annoy me.

I tried my best to get the car into the driveway but because you parked your truck in such a ridiculous place, I managed to knock our garden wall down and put a huge dent into the car. This is in no way my fault. I am a great driver.

Yours Seethingly,

Laura

**************************************

Dear Husband,

Thank you for not going mental when I scraped the car and knocked down the wall.

Yours Gratefully,

Laura

*******************************************

Dear Philadelphia Light Garlic and Herb,

There is no warning on your packet that this is an extremely smelly product. Now I reek. Thanks a bunch.

Yours Stinkingly,

Laura

******************************

Dear Cold Bug,

You are evil. Please leave us all alone.

Yours Snottily,

Laura

**************************************

Dear New Sports Bra,

Attempting to eject my left boob during a spinning class is not big or clever. Are you trying to completely humiliate me? There are mirrors all over that spinning studio. I can’t have been the only one who saw that display of free jiggling.  You have failed me.

Duly Mortified,

Laura

Dear So and So...

What do you mean you don’t drink??? (Or, in praise of tea)

Ah, Christmas. Parties, food and drink aplenty. Except, I don’t drink. I haven’t done for years. So, at this time of year, I get a lot of puzzled looks. Utter bafflement from most people, in fact. “But, you can have just one if you’re driving?” “Get a taxi?” “But….why????”

It’s fine! I am not a recovering alcoholic. I just don’t fancy it much any more. Here’s why…

1. I am a shit drunk. A puker. Every time I get drunk, I puke. It’s gross. I don’t have a moderation switch, I am sober, or wankered. If I’m wankered, I am vomiting. It’s not a good look.

2. I don’t like wine (*cue gasps!*) I have drunk wine for years, waiting for my taste buds to mature, like people grow to love blue cheese, or olives. It’s never happened, and I have finally admitted to myself that I actually don’t like the taste.  I feel like a bit of an uncultured cave dweller admitting this, but there it is. Saying that, I do still like a very occasional beer or cocktail, but they just don’t do it for me like a great cup of tea does!

3. Oh, the calories. I first got out of the habit of drinking in 2007 when I was really in the zone and watching  what I was eating. There just wasn’t room in my Weightwatchers points tracker for it. It was booze or cake. Cake won.

4. I’m actually rather comfortable in my own skin. I can go out for a night on the Diet Coke, and have a chat and a dance and not feel like I’m missing out. In my teens and early twenties, I felt like a moron dancing when I was too sober. Now I couldn’t give a monkeys. Stare all you like, I know I dance like a giant, clumsy fool. I am fine with that.

5. I am a firm believer that you should always leave a party while you are still having a great time, before it starts to wind down, or even descends into chaos. Nothing good ever happens after 2am.  I like to have my car on standby so I can judge the correct moment and flee on a high.

So, the answer is tea. And if they served tea in nightclubs, I would spend much more time there.  I could dance around my Venti Chai, and leave at 2 like a slightly weird Cinderella, with my make up still done, and no vomit on my shoes. Awesome.